I knew going into surrogacy that the pregnancy would be a lot different than my first two. I did not, however, expect that the differences would be so apparent so quickly.
I was full of nerves the first 5 days after the transfer. Despite saying I wouldn’t, I tested early, which of course only led to having to look at negative tests. Within the first 3 days I was already going through the things I did “wrong” and where I could have been a better surrogate. Did I do too much walking that first day? Should I have gone back to the hotel and straight to bed? Was that one dose of progesterone a bit too late? (We’re talking 15 minutes.) Did I not eat enough pineapple core??? Anyone on the outside looking in could have told me these thoughts were crazy, but it’s hard not analyzing every little thing you have done when so much is at stake for someone else.
There was an overwhelming sense of relief that came over me when that second pink line appeared on day 5, the day I said I would start testing. But it wasn’t a few days later that the worrying came back again. I had no reason to worry this time. The tests kept coming back positive, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.
When we received the results of the first beta at 14dp5dt (14 days past 5 day transfer) the relief was back again. Our clinic emailed us to say that it was a positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, the second test 2 days later wasn’t so positive. They like to see your bHcg numbers double, and ours had only gone from 449 to 533. Again, panic set in. So on Easter weekend, while out visiting my sister in Alberta, I had to find a clinic where I could go get the test redone. Then we waited. When you’re in beta limbo, waiting is about the last thing you want to do.
Finally, 3 days after I had the blood work done, we got the results in and my levels had risen to 1232. I had just gotten back to work after the long weekend and immediately started crying at my desk when I read the number, and the nurse saying the levels had now “increased nicely.” Relief once again.
The next couple of weeks were thankfully uneventful. Pregnancy nausea and exhaustion had started to set in, and for the first time ever both were welcomed. I finally felt pregnant.
This past Tuesday at 7 weeks, 6 days, a day came that C&J and I had been anxiously awaiting; the first ultrasound. I was overcome with calm when the tech moved the probe around and after a few minutes said, “there it is, with a heart rate of 163 and measuring right at 7 weeks, 6 days.” I sent the picture to C as soon as I got it and everything finally felt perfect.
Wouldn’t it have been awesome to go just a few days without panic once again setting in?? Last night was by far the worst of it. I started cramping and bleeding. Not spotting. Bleeding. I had never had this happen in any pregnancy before, and I was scared. My H took me to the ER where we eventually saw a doctor about 4 hours later. They did some blood work, made sure my bleeding hadn’t increased and that I had no clotting, and eventually I was sent home. The doctor said he’d call by 7:30am if there was a drop in any of my hormones, but otherwise he said he wasn’t too concerned because I had just had a normal ultrasound. So today was spent at home in bed, and I am happy to report that the bleeding has basically stopped. I felt awful having to send the initial text to C, not knowing what was happening. But of course, she was amazing and calm, and I woke up from one of my naps this morning to this:
C sure does know how to make me feel better! So as for now I will rest as much as possible, and pray that the bleeding doesn’t come back.
Like I said, this pregnancy has been so much different then my own 2. Normally I would get a positive pregnancy test, wait to see my doctor, wait until about 10 weeks to hear the heart beat, then wait again until 20 weeks for the first ultrasound. I never had any blood work done and never had early ultrasounds. I thought the extra monitoring in the beginning would help ease my mind, but in the end it has done the opposite. This has already been such a roller coaster.
As for bonding, I can’t say that there has been much of a difference yet. I never really bonded with my own kids until I could feel them moving, and the real bonding didn’t happen until months after they were born. But, I realized the other day that I am more worried, not just because of the extra monitoring or scares, but for another reason. With this pregnancy I feel like I felt when my sister found out she was pregnant. I was far more terrified for her than I ever was for me while pregnant, because I couldn’t stand to see anything bad happen to her. The same goes for C&J. I care so much about these people, these people who were strangers just 8 months ago, and it would kill me to see them hurt.
So, little Squishy, could you please do us all a favour and stay put? Your one and only job is to grow. Let me take care of the rest. You already have so many people who love you and who are cheering for you.
And to my body, just chill the F out, okay? You have done this before. You’ve got this.