A Surrogate Family: The partner’s perspective

Today’s blog post was written by my wonderful husband whose support through this process means the world to me.  Take it away, H….


Imagine this: your wife tells you that she wants to have someone else’s baby.

Not something most husbands would be happy about or support; but in my case, I am so proud of what my wife is doing and am happy to begin this journey with her.

My wife is going to be a surrogate.

This was not something we had ever talked about, until recently, nor had planned on when we got married close to 7 years ago… mind you, most of what’s happened to us in the last half-decade really wasn’t “planned”.

If you’ve been following this blog up until this point, you should be aware about our past – my wife and I met at the end of our undergraduate careers (I had just graduated a year prior and she was about to graduate), had a short, long distance courtship and then got engaged and moved in together. We then planned our nuptials for two years and had thought that we’d live as a young, single (no kids) married couple for a while before starting our family. We even started looking at jobs and homes out west, which was somewhere we thought we’d live for a while during our wild and crazy years. Boy did that change fast – half a year before finishing my post-grad degree we find out we were expecting (unexpectedly) our first bundle of joy. Yes, our first daughter was a ‘surprise’, but one of the best surprises we’ve ever had.

Fast forward a few more years and we’re now in a city close to my wife’s home town, bought our first small starter home, and are both working at places we never really thought we’d be. Maybe it would be a good time to ‘expand’ our family we thought… enter surprise number 2…. and 3.

Twins!! Who would have ever thought?!? At the respective ages of 29 and 32, my wife and I were now parents to three beautiful children; two daughters and a son, and we couldn’t be happier.

So three kids and only one planned pregnancy later and our family is complete. It seemed so quick, so easy, it never occurred to me that there would be people our age out there who might have been trying just as long, if not longer, and not been able to hold their own precious bundles of joy.

Apparently, my wife had given thought to this before. We had even talked about it years ago (so she tells me). How can we be so blessed when there are loving, deserving parents out there who have been struck by the disappointment and tragedy of being denied a family of their own.

After some time considering this my wife confided in me that being a surrogate was something she felt she wanted – she needed – to do. Maybe it’s the case that we have callings during our lives; if so, this was it for her. I could sense the dedication and passion in her voice immediately when we began talking about being a surrogate family. I could tell that it was not a matter of if we were going to do it, but rather when. My wife has always supported my endeavours and escapades, as wild as they might be, and so I knew that this was something that I needed to support for her. Not that she had a hard time convincing me. I could not imagine being a young guy, prime of his life, good job, fantastic wife, but being told that I, or my partner, could not do the one thing that we as humans are meant to do – have children.

Despite what you might believe from classic stereotypes, some of us guys, yours truly included, actually dreamt about being fathers when we grew up. When I was younger I would think about what it was going to be like to have kids and raise a family.

To think now that I might not have been able to hold my youngest daughter, listen to my son’s laugh, watch my oldest dance, and kiss them goodnight every day, makes me shudder.

It’s with that in mind that I decided – we decided –to try to help a young couple, like ourselves, complete their family.

I will admit that so far it has not been easy. There were a lot of late night talks – ‘what ifs’ and ‘what abouts’. My first and foremost concern is my wife’s health – I don’t want her life or safety put in jeopardy, and I’ve made this clear from the start. She’s accepted that there’s going to be pain and discomfort (sometimes I wonder if she forgot about the whole ‘delivery’ part), but it’s the end result that matters to her. I’ve tried to be the ‘sober second thought’, bringing up issues or concerns and make sure that we’re making the right decision. I still struggle sometimes. Why would we do this?? Why create such an upheaval for ourselves, our lives, our children’s lives? Why risk health, both mental and physical?… it’s not an easy question to answer.

So why am I (we) doing it? To support my wife. For the intended father who has always wanted to teach his son to throw a ball or dance at his daughter’s wedding. To demonstrate to myself that I can do something selfless. To have a positive impact on someone’s life. And because I hope, that if I ever needed it, someone would do something like this for me.

I have my worries, my uncertainties. I know there will be difficult times (nowhere near as difficult as the parents we’re trying to help mind you), and times where we question what we’re doing. But I am glad for this opportunity to make someone else’s life whole. I am glad to be going on this journey with my wife and believe that it will make us stronger and bring us closer together.

To my wife, I am so happy and proud of you. I love you.

To my children, you are each special and loved. You have changed your mother’s and my life in ways we couldn’t have imagined.

To C&J, you are constantly in our thoughts and we cannot wait to help you start your journey of parenthood.

To the life we are going to help welcome into this world, I don’t know who you will be, but you will be a miracle and you will be loved.


One thought on “A Surrogate Family: The partner’s perspective

  1. Simply loved this post! Would you mind if I shared this on my blog’s (thissocalledlife.com) facebook page? I blog about my surrogacy journey’s as well :-). If so, my email address is kristina{at}thissocalledlife{dot}com.


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