2015: The year I surprised myself

Last New Years was a bit of a rough one.  I was so done with 2014 and couldn’t wait to start a new year.  The twins (and I) weren’t sleeping, I basically hated my husband, and post partum depression had reared its ugly head. 2015 did not start on a good note, but I am amazed at how the year completely turned around for us.

In the beginning of 2015 the twins were just 6 months old.  They were in the midst of a major sleep regression and one or both were up every hour of the night to eat.  I was still exclusively breast feeding, so it was basically all up to me to feed them.  I was exhausted.  Beyond exhausted, actually.  I would hear them start to cry in the middle of the night and would start weeping right along with them. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique.  It was excruciating.

My H and I were going through a rough patch.  Neither of us were sleeping and we were not connecting anymore.  Mommy and daddy were the only adults left in our home.  There was no husband and wife.

I hit my breaking point in February. After yet another sleepless night I was trying to get both crying babies down for a nap. As I looked at them, a thought went through my head that scared me more than anything has ever scared me.

“I wish you had never been born.”

While it was an awful thought that I felt a tremendous amount of guilt about, I was eventually okay that it happened.  That morning was a catalyst for a lot of positive changes I was about to make over the next few months.  It wasn’t an hour later that I had an appointment scheduled with a mental health worker and a psychologist.  Working in the counseling field has given me enough self-awareness to know that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore.  I needed help.  My family needed me to need help.

So, I started counseling.  My H and I started counseling.  I was finally diagnosed with post partum depression and started taking meds. Anyone who thinks that psychiatric medications are a cop-out can go fuck themselves, because I truly believe that part is what helped the most.  I started eating better, running, and exercising.  I forced myself to look at all the good things I had in my life, put away the past, and start moving forward.  I fell in love again. I started (yes, almost 8 months in) to bond with my babies. It didn’t happen overnight but I taught myself to be happy again.

Spring is the season that represents new life and new beginnings and that was definitely true of spring 2015.  I turned 30, an age that now excited me more than it scared me.  My sister got engaged and my nephew was born.  My H and I went on a vacation together, just the two of us.  I got healthy, both physically and emotionally.

Summer came, and we celebrated the twins’ first birthdays.  We survived one year.  I breast-fed for one whole year.  I love summer, so I was not surprised when my mood got better as the days grew longer. I went back to work and, with all the positive changes, felt like my life had purpose and meaning again. We were one big happy family. Which then brings me back to the point where surrogacy was an option for me again.  It was something new that excited me.  And we all know where that went!

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2014 asked a lot of questions, but in 2015 I found many of the answers.  That, or I let go of the questions and focused my energy on what was really important.  I’m thankful for my close friends and family who continued to love me when I was unlovable. For my H who was there for me when I was pushing him away, and for not giving up on us.  My perspective on many things has changed in the past few months and I owe a lot of it to the intended parents and fellow surrogates I have “met” or read about through this process. I have made new, life-long friends this year.  Some that I am sure will be as close as family by the time 2016 is done. I have surprised myself this year.

I am not big on making resolutions, so instead I will leave you with this…

Neil Gaiman

Happy New Year!

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